Texte / Emma Spiegel in live of G21, Lausanne
What brought me here ?
What brought me to be living where I am living today ? In this magnanimous, glorious existence of living my life with myself and in being free in my reality of being ?
Perhaps it was fate. And is fate. Perhaps it was the melting of the snow in the Alps that descended upon me in a moment of pain and which cleansed me, bespeaking « dare to live, your life has just begun. » Because I was suffering but becoming whole again. Or the winds coming in to blow through all of my sorrows and to allow me to breathe again. Or the kindness in the green eyes that held me in a moment and continue to hold me. Or the voice of the warrior that is inside of me that is always speaking to let her voice be heard. My little Mathilde, my future daughter and snow child and an angel who gives me my wings.
What brought me here is the act of letting go. Of breating, repiration. Of then letting out the suffering which defined me for such a period but which would not define my future. I endured the process of hiding my soul behind another’s to let him breathe out his sorrows upon me. I endured the bruises of words, although ears-deep, went then into soul deep and coated my heart on a prison of deceipt. And then turning my face away and hiding when it was too much to face. And then returning to an obligation I thought was mine, but which I believed inherently did not belong to me.
When you attempt to and then love another whose soul is wounded by the prison of his past, when you let another’s darkness eat at your lightness, when you breathe and breathe again into his sorrows to try to cleanse them out, when you let in to try to help him let go, when all of this happens, you cannot know yourself anymore.
And all along the way, there is a small voice inside of you saying, « remember yourself, remember who you are. You cannot heal another who cannot heal himself. You must only be with you. » When you turn your ear away from this voice, but it continues to vibrate within your heart, when this happens, there can be no silence too great.
My silence over these years, the silence of my soul which I heard with such volume, this silence freed and continues to free me. Only I truly know this silence. I know it like I know my heart. Beating, vibrant, always there. Always speaking to me. My silence is the breath of my soul. It is also the reberberations of pure Alpine water streaming through the clouds, pouring over and down the long spine of the mountain, rejoining the frothy river beneath the clouds. And then this river, with me, carrying forward through to the ocean where it shall rejoin its mother, where it shall swim one with my future.
What brought me here ? Freedom. The choice that was and is always mine. The live feeling, the soundless understanding, the luminescent vision of knowing where I am going. My concience is driving me over and under, up and beyond, towards my effervesent and explosive future.
What brings me to share this story ? Whereas last year I thought my soul to be dead, whereas last year my silence scared me, now I know myself to be alive. Now I know as surely as I know my breath that my silence is the total union of then, now and forever.
We only have so much time to live. There are only so many heartbeats in one day. But the peace of silence can endure, always. And it will.
Let us let it be heard. The power of Silence. Mine, yours, ours.
